How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936), Dale Carnegie - Book Summary


"How to Win Friends & Influence People" is a book that gives advice on how to behave, behave and communicate with people to achieve success in life. The principles of the book have been tested on the success of great people such as the late Presidents of the United States.

Who should read the book?

The book is intended for employees, managers, consultants, teachers, etc., anyone with a strong desire, a strong determination to change, to improve their ability to treat people and to improve. self.


Dale Breckenridge Carnegie (November 24, 1888 – November 1, 1955) was an American writer, public speaker, and developer of classes in self-development, sales, corporate coaching, and speaking skills. Public speaking and communication skills

3 basic arts of behavior

Principle 1: Do not criticize, resent or complain

Criticism is useless, it only causes resistance and excuses. It is even more dangerous when it touches the stubborn pride of people and ends up creating only anger and dissatisfaction. As Dr. Johnson said: “Even God doesn't judge a person until the last minute of his or her life.” So what reason do we have to do that?

Principle 2: Sincere praise and gratitude to others

Deep inside we all have a thirst for approval. It is a deep, urgent need that one who sincerely satisfies will be able to “control” the behavior of others. Compliments don't have to be expensive, but don't make them cheap by flattery either. A sentence of praise, sincere thanks creates great affection and spiritual encouragement, the recipient will also naturally correct the bad qualities to become more perfect.

Principle 3: Suggest others want to do what you want them to do

“Self-actualization is a basic human need” – William Winter. If you have a particular idea, give it to others and let them make it happen. At that time, they will consider the idea as their own, they will love it and work hard to implement it at all costs.

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Principle 4: Sincerely care about others.

If we want to have true friends, then think and do something for them, giving them time, energy and unselfish attention. This not only helps you to have more friends, but it is also true in increasing customer loyalty to your company.

Principle 5: Smile!

Actions speak louder than words. A smile from the bottom of your heart can replace many “I really like you!” or “Nice to meet you”

You need to have a cheerful attitude when interacting with people if you want them to feel the same way

Principle 6: Always remember that a person's name is the sweetest, dearest, and most important sound to them.

For many people, a name is more than just a name. When we are able to remember and call another person's name accurately, intimately, it shows that we have shown genuine interest in that person. And of course we will also receive the same affection from them.

Jim Farley is Chairman of the Democratic National Committee and General Manager of the United States Postal Service. He was also the one who brought Franklin D.Roosevelt into the White House when he ran the 1932 presidential campaign. I asked him the secret of his success if he could remember the names of 10,000 people. He replied: "No, you are wrong, I can remember the names of 50,000 people."

Principle 7: Listen and encourage others to talk about their problems

Listening is one of the most respectful ways we can show the other person. In Chinese, the word "listen" is made up of five characters: ear, eye, heart, one, and king. Listening here is not simply silent for others to speak for themselves, but also implies that we need to open our ears, eyes, and heart, become one with the person we are communicating with and show them their importance. .

Principle 8: Talk about what other people care about

Anyone who has ever had the opportunity to come in contact with President Theodore Roosevelt is amazed at his erudite knowledge. What's your secret to making every story so interesting? Every time he made an appointment to meet someone, the night before, he had thoroughly investigated the issues that the guest was particularly interested in.

Roosevelt, like all the great leaders of the world, understood that the fastest way to a person's heart was to discuss the things that mattered most to him.

Principle 9: Honestly let others see that they are important

What makes humans different from other species, promoting human civilization to develop? That is the desire to be respected. If you too want to feel important and recognized for yourself, start by treating everyone that way. “I am afraid to disturb you. Are you willing to help…?”, “Can you please…?”, “Do you mind if…?” These are all simple sayings but show the respect that you have for the other party and surely when receiving such polite words, few people will refuse your request.

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Principle 10: The best way to resolve an argument is not to let it happen

The end result of every argument is not a winner or a loser. Because if you lose, then obviously you have lost. And if you win, you still lose. You can win the opponent's knowledge and reasoning but have lost their goodwill and cooperation, so what's the point of you jumping into a good and bad argument?

Principle 11: Respect the opinions of others. Never say, “You are wrong!”

When you start with "You're wrong!" It's like you're making a declaration of war, "I'm much better than you. Let me tell you your stupidity." And from that moment, it doesn't matter right or wrong, that person will fight with you to the end. Instead of provoking the other person's self-esteem, say, "I have a different opinion, but I could be wrong. Okay, now we'll review it and tweak it together.”

Rule 12: If you're wrong, admit it quickly and frankly

If we will admit our wrongs before others can, we will have a 99% chance of being treated with generosity, forgiveness and mistakes will be reduced.

“Concession is not condescension, admitting fault is not humiliating” – Fenelon

Rule 13: Always start with a friendly attitude.

Have you heard the fable about the sun and the wind? The two sides argue over who is stronger and prove it by forcing an old man to take off his coat. The wind wanted to blow away the shirt, but the stronger it blew, the stronger the old man held on to the shirt. In turn, the sun gently shines on the ground, the old man's forehead is covered with sweat, he frowns and takes off his coat. That's it, a gentle suggestion is always more effective than forceful coercion.

“A drop of sweet honey catches more flies than a bucket of bitter water.” – Abraham Lincoln

Principle 14: Ask questions that make people say “yes” immediately.

Just like the movement of a marble, it requires a strong enough force to roll and a much greater force to change direction in the opposite direction, so do humans. A person's "Yes" answers from the very beginning will make that person's thoughts and decisions move in the direction of agreeing with you. Don't let the word "No" become an insurmountable obstacle between the two parties.

Principle 15: Let the other person feel like they are in charge of the conversation

What is the most important part of every conversation? It's not about expressing oneself or expressing one's point of view, but letting others express themselves. No one will care about you when they have a lot to say. After expressing their concerns, the interlocutor will be pleased with themselves and their knowledge and will naturally listen to us.

Principle 16: Let others believe that it was they who came up with the first idea

We often trust our own decisions more than the ideas of others. So don't force people to listen to your opinion, offer some suggestions and let them come to that opinion on their own.

Theodore Roosevelt as governor of New York applied this principle every time he wanted to nominate a politician for a key position in his administration. He often invited the leaders of the opposition parties to his office to consult, even though he had already planned in his mind who he would choose. If the parties nominate the right person, he will reject it on the grounds that the people do not support it. They introduced another character, who expressed that this person did not meet the expectations of the people. And so on, they would continue to nominate the person he had secretly chosen from the beginning. This time, of course, he will fully support and thank them for choosing talented people for the country. The leaders of the parties are very satisfied because the Governor respects the opinion, more importantly, they will not have any intention of opposing the person they themselves have recommended.

Principle 17: Honestly look at things from the other person's point of view

There is always a reason why people act and think the way they live, if you put yourself in someone else's shoes, knowing that reason will no longer question the outcome. This saves you time, avoids frustration, and adds strength and dexterity to problem-solving.

Principle 18: Empathize with the wishes of others

The sympathy and agreement of others with their own wishes is what people most desire. Just a statement “I completely understand how you feel. If I was in that situation, I would definitely do the same.” It is enough to end arguments, eliminate aversion, create goodwill, and make the other person listen attentively.

Principle 19: Inspire nobility in others

Pierpont Morgan observes that people often have two reasons to act: a real reason hidden and a good reason to declare in front of people. So why don't you give them a good excuse regardless of the motive behind?

Cyrus Curtis, owner of the Saturday Afternoon News and Women & Families Magazine, started her business with nothing. To convince Louisa Alcott, author of the immortal book "Little Women," to write for him when she was at the peak of her career, he signed a check for one hundred dollars on her behalf. philanthropy, a job she loved.

Principle 20: Know how to present problems vividly

Ideas need to be presented vividly, attractively and interestingly if you want to capture the attention of others.

Guys usually kneel to propose, is there any law requiring such? Of course not, but they still do it to create a romantic atmosphere, making girls more emotional and easier to agree.

Principle 21: Know how to evoke the spirit to overcome challenges

Everyone has a desire to express themselves. Offering challenges is a great way to encourage others to change.

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Rule 22: Begin the conversation with a sincere compliment

Praise before commenting is like the dentist starting the job with anesthetic. When a person has heard praise, they will also more easily accept criticism and comments.

Principle 23: Comment on others' mistakes indirectly

Sensitive people are very uncomfortable with any direct criticism. Instead, you should indirectly mention their shortcomings, they will probably appreciate it more.

Many people often begin with a compliment, followed by the word "but," and end with a critical comment. This casts doubt on the sincerity of the initial compliment. Replace the word "but" with "and", and you will have a much more subtle comment.

Rule 24: Examine yourself before criticizing others

If the critic humbly admits that he or she has made the same mistake, how difficult is it to hear about our mistake?

Rule 25: Suggest, instead of command

“Let's do this!” and “What would you think if we did?”, which would you rather hear? Same as giving orders, but harsh orders often cause dissatisfaction while a gentle suggestion makes the listener feel cared, respected, involved in decision making, from which they will actively carry out their actions. Express that decision in the most creative and positive way.

Principle 26: Know how to save face for others

Never arbitrarily yell, criticize, criticize, threaten others in front of the crowd without caring about the self-esteem that everyone has.

Principle 27: Honestly praise the progress, even the smallest, in others

Even a small progress, but if encouraged little by little, it will grow and become a great achievement. So don't hesitate to give words of encouragement to people, it can be a great source of encouragement for them.

Principle 28: Compliment makes others live worthy of that praise

A simple way to awaken the good qualities in you is to believe that you have at least one good quality. That way, even if we don't actually have it, then we'll act like we already have it.

Principle 29: Encourage, pave the way for others to correct mistakes

If you tell someone they're stupid, incompetent, or useless, even if that's true, you've destroyed any incentive for them to improve. But if on the contrary, you encourage, make things seem easier, make them believe that they have a talent that has not been developed, then they will try their best to develop that potential, with or without. .

Rule 30: Honor others, make them happy to take your offer

Napoleon issued 15,000 medals of the Legion of Honor for soldiers, named 18 generals Marshal of France and called his army the Great Army. When criticized for giving "toys" to heroes, he replied: "I do it because toys have always dominated people".

Honestly, if receiving such a noble honor, who wouldn't dedicate themselves to France?

“In human relations, always remember that we are dealing with beings who are rational but also emotional, they are vulnerable to prejudice but are always motivated when they have self-confidence. pride and pride"

“The most important task of a human being is to live and bring to himself and those around him moments of peace and happiness, awakening all his hidden abilities to overcome life's difficulties.”

"Tac Nhan Tam" can be considered as an introductory book for those who want to learn how to treat people skillfully. 30 principles is not too much for our complicated lives, but it is not too little either. You should read the book many times with the feeling that each time you read it is different.