Courage to be Disliked (Kishimi Ichiro and Koga Fumitake) - Book Summary

The Courage To Be Hated is a book that offers many views that are contrary to the thoughts and perceptions of the majority, but I find it worth reading to get multi-dimensional perspectives on the field of psychology & human behavior. From there, it helps us to understand the typical negative psychological situations that we are facing, and at the same time, understand how to regulate relationships in society.

Although it is a psychological analysis book, the author's writing style is quite easy to understand and does not make us feel heavy during the reading process. The content in the book is recreated in the form of an intimate conversation between an experienced and knowledgeable philosopher and a young man full of worries, guilt & troubles in life.

The philosopher is the one who disassembles all the psychological states, the questions about the daily life of the young man (also the problems that ordinary people like us often face) based on The psychological background of the Jewish doctor Adred Adler - one of the three great trees of modern psychology.

Here are the four points that impressed me the most from the book.

Perspective 1

Praising or praising children when they do good things or perform well in their tasks is actually a behavior of tolerating children, causing them to gradually form a subconscious mind that they do a good job, that they complete the task well. because I will be praised, recognized, not for myself.

Instead of praise or reward, a better way to arouse real goodwill in children is for parents to talk about how they feel when their children do a good deed such as touched or happy and at the same time ask children feel on their own. Gradually, children will realize that they are valuable, they do good things because they feel comfortable and happy themselves, not because of praise or recognition of others.

Viewpoint 2

There is no such thing as an adult who cannot control their anger, but in fact they want to use anger to suppress others.

The philosopher in the story took the following example: the mother was shouting loudly at her child when she received the news that her child was suspended from school by the teacher. In that anger, a phone call from the mother's superior came and she immediately changed her volume and manner of speaking. The communication style is very gentle, as if the child's suspension from school never happened. Therefore, it cannot be said that a mother cannot control her emotions when teaching her child.

According to Adler's psychological foundation, saying that we can't control our emotions when we do or say hurtful things to others is really just blaming and avoiding responsibility. We absolutely can, but we already intentionally want to use that anger to suppress & make others do what we want.

3 point of view

Right now you are unhappy not because of your past or circumstances, much less because of your incompetence, but because you actively choose unhappiness, because you lack the courage to step out of your comfort zone and aim for a better future. better life.

The philosopher in the story explains that past events such as hurt caused by someone, mistakes & failures, or difficult family situation despite the influence. to a certain extent, but how and for how long you let those events affect your life depends entirely on your desires and subjective choices in the present. in.

You choose to continue to blame and then stay stuck in the past, never get success & happiness or you choose to bravely step through pain, disadvantage & act towards your goal to get 1 better life? You are the only person who has the power to choose whether or not your past life affects the rest of your life.

Past psychological trauma affects, but is not what determines a person's present and future life. What determines is the choice you make at the moment. You can only be happy when you live fully in the present moment without letting the worries of the past or the future affect you. You can only be completely happy when you live with a clear goal & are always in a state of continuous action towards the goal, right now.

Perspective 4

There are two ways to help people avoid most of the troubles and frustrations in life:  keeping a deep faith in themselves  and  understanding how to live in harmony with others.

How to keep faith in yourself?

It is a clear awareness that you have your own worth, you can do all the things you want to do if you pay attention and try your best. Your values ​​are unique and they are equal to all people.

Understanding your own worth helps you gain confidence without others having to admit it, and you will no longer compare yourself to the common standards of society or to what others have. From then on, you live freely, calmly with your own beliefs and values ​​without paying attention to eyes or comments from the outside, you will always keep a comfortable mind, avoid being exhausted in the process. all circumstances.

Aren't people most tired when they are always worried about whether they will satisfy others, equal to others, or get the approval of others?

So how do you know that your beliefs & values ​​are correct? According to Adler psychology, that is when in your heart you find the answer to the question "What positive impact do your values ​​and beliefs have on the community & society".

The title dare to be hated of the book means dare to accept both your strengths and weaknesses to improve yourself day by day, dare to live true to pursue your own beliefs and values. Dare to be hated is not a careless, selfish way of living that only thinks for itself and ignores the interests of others.

What is it like to live in harmony with others?

Firstly, it is realizing that we need to be the one to actively give trust, respect and empathy to others first. You give good things, the universe will return the right things to you. While it may not be true in all cases, at least this awareness will help you to live light and peaceful every day.

On the contrary, if we always look at others with suspicious eyes, scrutinize, evaluate, accept, measure and measure, then we will certainly never have a sincere relationship. Besides, our psychology is always in a state of stress and fatigue when we have to defend, fight more than lose.

Second, it is that each person needs to be clearly aware of what is his or her duty and what is the duty of others (by considering who is the beneficiary of the end result). If it's someone else's job, then even if it's someone who has a close relationship like a husband and wife, parent-child, or soulmate, you should always let them solve the problem by themselves. .

You can observe, understand, then advise and support but absolutely should not interfere in the final decision. This is not irresponsibility, but respect for one's ability.

Excessive interference not only makes the relationship more and more stressful, tiring, and distant, but also makes yourself always in a state of disappointment and trouble if the decision of the person you care about is not right. as you wish.

Remember, relationships between people, no matter how close they are, must be kept at an appropriate distance to last. This distance should reach out to touch, but should not be close enough to invade the other's private sky.