Men are Mars Women Venus (John Gray) - Book Summary

Synopsis : Once upon a time Martians and Venusians met, fell in love and lived happily because they respected and accepted all differences. Then they came to Earth and amnesia happened: They forgot that they were from different planets.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus  is a book that has helped millions of couples change their relationships, help men and women realize how different they are, how to express their needs. themselves in ways that do not cause conflict and whereby attachment has a chance to develop.

“Gender differences are often most apparent after you enter into a close relationship, have children together, or are under a lot of stress.”

Who should read this book : A book for couples who are in love, married or have children; couples who are feeling stuck in their relationship because of unnecessary conflicts; people who are yearning to understand their husbands and wives as well as their children.

Author : Dr. John Gray is an internationally recognized expert in the field of communication and relationships. He is a family psychologist (with a degree from the National Academy of Psychiatrists), a consultant editor of the Family Journal; member of the Excellence Advisory Board of the International Association on Marriage and Family; Member of the American Association of Consultants.

Chapter 1: Men Are From Mars – Women Are From Venus

Men and women come from two different planets and of course they have different thoughts and behaviors. What we need to do is always remember and respect those differences.

When men and women can respect and accept their differences, love will have a chance to flourish.

Solution: Accept and respect differences.

Chapter 2: The Settlement Gentleman and the Family Improvement Committee

Men are the settlers. When you complain or confide in them, they'll assume you're looking for advice and to show your concern, they'll give you dozens of solutions. However, they are also the ones who don't want advice when they don't ask for it.

In contrast, women put more emphasis on emotions. They love to help those they love. It is in their nature to want to improve everything, including men. But with the thought of wanting the other person to improve, become more perfect, they make men feel humiliated.

Solution: Men need to learn to listen. Women need to learn to stop giving unsolicited advice.

Chapter 3: Men keep secrets while women love to reveal

Faced with stress, men like to solve problems on their own. If they can't find a solution right away, they will read the newspaper or play a game to forget about it for a while.

Women feel more comfortable talking about their feelings, they want someone to share their problems with. It is a sign of love and trust, not a burden.

Solution: Leave men alone to think. Listen and cheer women up when they complain about stress.

Chapter 4: How to motivate the opposite sex

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed, women are motivated and ready to act when they feel loved.

Usually men only focus on their own needs and women only care about the wishes of others. Women give too much but are afraid to receive back because they feel unloved. Likewise, men are afraid to give because they don't want to feel like a failure.

Solution: Women need to set limits on giving, they must know that they are worthy of love and have the right to refuse sacrifices beyond the limit. Men need to know how to accept mistakes and failures.

Chapter 5: Language difference

Men use language to convey information. Women use words to express their feelings.

Men can't differentiate between empathy and compassion. To them, caring too much is suffocating. Instead, say that the matter is simple, they will feel more trusted and valued.

Women have too many emotions, they want to express and share with the people next to them. Don't tell them it's trivial, it's tantamount to denying all women's concerns.

Solution: Men should show their affection more. After the sentence "I need to think, leave me alone" add "I'll be back", women will feel more secure.

Before complaining, women need to let men know it's not their fault, men will be more comfortable listening.

Chapter 6: Men are like rubber bands

Men automatically alternate between emotional needs and personal freedom. They can become very distant after a period of intimacy. It's not a sign that they want to leave you, they're just taking a step forward, two steps back, regaining a sense of balance for themselves and then getting back to the way they were.

Solution: Men should warn women about the "quiet", don't let them panic and blame themselves. Women need to stay calm and wait for their man to "elastic" to the original state.

Chapter 7: Women are like waves

A woman's self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. When you sink to the bottom, it's time to rearrange your feelings. But men feel it's their fault to let women fall into disappointment, sadness, and depression.

Solution: Men don't try to fix or revive their partner, let them feel you are always there to listen and love them. Women need to let men know that it's not their fault, it's just a natural instinct that you will soon overcome on your own.

Chapter 8: Discovering our different emotional needs

The emotional needs of the two sexes are different.

Deep in every man's soul is a knight in armor, looking for a maiden in need who will give him love, trust, admiration, respect, and encouragement.

Deep in every woman's soul is a young woman looking for the knight of her life who will give her care, understanding, respect, devotion, and a sense of security.

Solution: Men must listen attentively to women to understand their needs, avoid getting angry or being conservative; Women must have faith in men's abilities and do their best to meet their needs, avoiding trying to change or control them.

Chapter 9: How to avoid disagreements

Stay away from controversies. Sometimes what you say is not as important as how you say it, tone and gestures have a huge impact.

While arguing, men are not patient enough to understand women's feelings, and women can hardly stand criticism from men. If one of the two comes first, the other will follow. Men's inattention can make women frustrated and rebellious, women's opposition makes men conservative and difficult to understand.

When men make mistakes, they become frustrated and angry, just let them calm down on their own. Men consider saying sorry to mean they have to admit they were wrong; Women see apologizing as a sign of generosity. That is why men are less likely to enter the water than women.

Men are very aggressive in arguments, often women will back down but that does not mean men have won, women do not change their opinion, they just temporarily set aside. Sometimes both deliberately ignore the conflict, men refuse to talk, women pretend to forget, but the problem still accumulates there waiting for the right time to explode.

Solution: Men should be open to listening, not stubbornly conservative. Women should express their feelings simply, instead of criticizing the other person.

“Gender insight helps us be more tolerant and forgiving when someone doesn't respond in the way we expect.”

Chapter 10: Gaining sympathy from the opposite sex

Men want their efforts to be valued. They give only when asked and know it will be appreciated. Men put a lot of emphasis on results, they like to receive big things, otherwise it has to be a lot of smaller things in return.

Women measure love by what they get. They actively give unconditionally, automatically helping those they love. For them, gifts, big or small, are the same, love is important.

Solution: Men should actively give, do not wait until asked to do. Appreciate the sacrifices of women and make up for them with what they deserve. Women should show respect for men's efforts, encourage them more.

Chapter 11: How to express difficult feelings

Avoiding does not make negative emotions disappear, we can only open our hearts to understand, give each other more love.

Men are often obsessed with finding success, women are obsessed with finding perfection. Men may use anger, ego, or oblivion (such as burying their head in work) to avoid feeling hurt, hurt, or scared; Women can fall into depression or confusion to temporarily forget their anger.

Solution: Instead of throwing harsh words at each other in the heat of the moment, write down your difficult feelings in a controlled manner. Then, in a better mental state, tell the other person how you feel, what they can do to improve the situation.

Chapter 12: How to Offer and Receive Help

Men prefer to do things that are praised rather than things that are ordered by others. Criticizing or teaching too much will make them feel like a servant, not a trustworthy man.

Men want to prove themselves by the things they do, but they won't do it unless asked. Women need to learn how to offer men help, not demands, and don't make them feel forced to do it. And appreciate the help from men even if you are the one who has to speak first to receive it. Even if you know men will refuse to help, just ask and be generous with the refusal, they will remember that and will be more willing to help next time.

It's best to let men decide for themselves how and when they will work. If they grumble about your request that's a good sign, they've started considering it instead of dismissing it. Just patiently wait for them to finish nagging and you will have an answer.

Solution: When you ask a man for something, say it directly and briefly, opening with “Will you..?” and remember to keep quiet after the offer to give them time to consider.

Chapter 13: Preserving the magic of love

In relationships, long-repressed negative emotions can flare up without warning, and we can suddenly become tired, sensitive, and distant from each other. When this bad thing happens, we need to encourage each other to overcome it together even though it will take a lot of time and effort. Be more patient and forgiving during this difficult time.

Love cannot avoid the rotation of time, the initial pure love cannot last forever, there will be times when we make mistakes and constantly blame ourselves. But if we go through life's ups and downs together, the initial simple happiness will gradually mature, becoming a strong bond over time.

“Relationships will wear out until we learn how to direct our energies in ways that our spouses will greatly appreciate.


“Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” is a useful handbook for people who are not perfect in their relationships, from relationships with siblings, parents, partners and beyond. relationships in society. This is a book worth reading and also learning.